2007 Song Lyrics Contest
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Neil C. McCabe
The O'Quinn Law Firm
440 Louisiana, Suite 2300
Houston, Texas 77002
Telephone: 713.223.1000
Facsimile: 713.222.6903
If I Only Had a Case (or Lament for Lack of Precedent)
(to the tune of "If I Only Had a Brain," by Harold Arlen)
I'd hypothesize for hours,
Build footnotes into towers,
Appellate fame I'd chase.
My chops I'd be a-lickin',
And accounts I'd be enrichin',
If I only had a case.
With analogies I'd fiddle,
From left or right or middle,
With totally straight face.
Inductions I'd be makin',
I could be Sir Francis Bacon,
If I only had a case.
Oh, I can't tell a lie,
I'd like to have much more,
Legislation, facts, and policy galore,
And then I'd stand,
And still hold forth.
I would not be just a plaintiff,
My tune would be less plaintive,
My brief not just a waste.
And perhaps I'd surprise you
With the things that I'd apprise you
If I only had a case.
Kurt H. Kuhn
Brown McCarroll L.L.P.
111 Congress Ave., Suite 1400
Austin, TX 78701
512-479-9746
512-226-7286 (fax)
Makin' New Law
(to tune of Stayin' Alive by the Bee Gees)
Well, you can tell by the way I use the law
I'm appellate man - no time to jaw
Hours long and pay is low
Must file that brief before I go
And now it's all right; it's okay
This case will go the other way
I will make them understand
The Supreme Court's my biggest fan
Whether by a PC or through the amici
I'm makin' new law, makin' new law
Feel precedent breakin', judgment holder shakin'
Makin' new law, makin' new law
Ah, ha, ha, ha, makin' new law, makin' new law
Ah, ha, ha, ha, makin' new law
Well, now, hours are long and stress is high
We need a reversal, I really try
On the side of right and with my tools
I'm the appellate man and I just can't lose
You know it's all right; it's okay
This case will go the other way
We must try to understand
A perfect brief is my demand
By petition for review, the client's budget I blew
I'm makin' new law, makin' new law
Feel precedent breakin', judgment holder shakin'
Makin' new law, makin' new law
Ah, ha, ha, ha, makin' new law, makin' new law
Ah-ha-ha-ha, makin' new law
Brief's goin' nowhere; somebody help me
Somebody help me, yeah
Brief's goin' nowhere; somebody help me, yeah
Jody Hughes
Rules Attorney
Texas Supreme Court
512.463.1353
jody.hughes@courts.state.tx.us
Submitted with the following notation: "A submission for the State Bar Appellate section lyrics replacement contest, from Amy Schumacher with help from a few other Supreme Court Staff Attorneys"
50 Ways To Waive Your Error
(derived from "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" by
Paul Simon).
The problem's all in your record she said to me.
The answer is easy if you brief it legally.
I'd like to help you but your objection's absentee.
There must be fifty ways to waive your error.
She said it's really not my habit to advise.
Furthermore, I hope my counsel won't lead to your demise.
But I'll repeat myself so the court's words won't surprise.
There must be fifty ways to waive your error.
Fifty ways to waive your error
CHORUS 1:
You just fail to object, Hecht
Leave it outta the brief, Chief
You don't need to be seen, Green
Just get it denied PC
Don't make a bill, Phil
just take a big chill pill
don't timely appeal, O'Neill
and get it denied PC
She said it grieves me so to see you in such straits.
I wish there was something I could do to lower your rates.
I said I appreciate that, as again she explicates.
About the fifty ways...
She said why don't we both just work on it all night.
And I believe by the morning you'll begin to see the light.
The error's jurisdictional, my liability is slight.
There must be... fifty ways to waive your error
Fifty ways to waive your error
CHORUS 2:
You just fail to object, Hecht
Leave it outta the brief, Chief
don't bother to call, Paul
Just get denied PC
Just say you forgot, Scott
The issue's long gone, Don
it's already stale, Dale
And it's been denied... PC
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